5 Tips for Living Together with an Au Pair

Tip 2 – Communication

I always explain to Au Pairs that although Germans teach their children to say “please” and “thank you,” we ourselves often forget to use “please” in everyday sentences.

English, on the other hand, is a very polite language. Direct criticism is usually avoided and softened with positive wording:

“You did a great job, but there’s a small detail you could improve.”

Even instructions are often phrased as polite questions:

“Would you please set the table?”

But the meaning is still the same.

Tone Matters

It is important to understand that Germans communicate differently from many other cultures. The way something is said matters a lot to Au Pairs, as it signals respect. What feels normal to us may come across as rude or harsh to them.

👉 Our tip: We can learn a lot from other cultures. Whether at work, while shopping, or at home, using a friendly tone makes a big difference. “Please” and “thank you” should not only be expected from children, but also from ourselves.

Even though Au Pairs are technically employees, we still appreciate it when they thank us for cooking, shopping, cleaning, or spending time with the children. Respect should go both ways.

Tip 3 – Setting a Work Schedule

Working hours and task distribution are among the topics Au Pairs complain about most often. As a general rule, an Au Pair should not work more than 30 hours per week, with a maximum of 15 hours dedicated to housework. Of course, individual agreements can always be made, but ultimately the legal framework still applies.

A clear work schedule helps both the host family and the Au Pair understand exactly what is expected within the given time. This is especially important for household tasks. The more detailed the plan, the better. Many things may seem obvious to us, but if someone has never managed their own household, they simply won’t notice them. On top of that, everyone has a different idea of what “clean” means.

If you live in the countryside with three children, two dogs, rabbits, and chickens in the garden, footprints in the hallway might not bother you at all. But for someone living in a city apartment with one child, even a few hairs in the bathroom can feel like a nightmare.

When creating a schedule, it’s important to set realistic expectations. Depending on the Au Pair’s experience, tasks may take longer. That doesn’t mean giving unlimited time, but as parents, especially mothers, we are often twice as fast as even a professional cleaner.

Everything has its place

This is a rule I often explain to both my daughter and my Au Pairs, although I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who truly cares about it. Both my daughter and my Au Pairs don’t enjoy tidying up, but they do it. However, my system of organization is often ignored, and everything ends up mixed together.

Since both of them manage quite well with their own system, I rarely interfere anymore. Every few months, I quietly throw away the piles of paper scraps, plastic toys, sweets, packaging, and other items that accumulate in drawers and boxes. I usually do this when the house is quiet and no one is around to object.

Afterward, I always feel better and notice that neither my child nor my Au Pair misses any of it. And importantly, there’s no mold or pests either.

Of course, organizing childcare is much more complex. Creating a minute-by-minute schedule of which games to play doesn’t make sense and wouldn’t make children happy either. However, you can still make life easier for your Au Pair by providing options depending on the situation.

If the sun is shining: playing football, jumping on the trampoline, going to the playground, or riding bikes.

If it’s raining: board games, crafts, or building with Lego.

And if nothing seems to work and everyone is in a bad mood, a small “indoor picnic” and some fun music can completely change the atmosphere.

👉 Our tip: Before your Au Pair arrives, take the time to create a clear and structured work plan. The more detailed and consistent it is, the better.

Tip 4 – Set Clear Rules

Living together means following rules. We naturally do this with our partners. We get to know each other, move in together, and develop shared expectations. Some things need discussion, others happen automatically. Many rules come from our own upbringing, while others depend on the situation or even the generation. Some are also set externally, like recycling rules.

When Au Pairs join our families, they enter a system that already exists. Our children grow up with these rules, even if they sometimes resist them. But Au Pairs come with their own experiences and expectations. Sometimes, it’s two different worlds colliding. Since we only have about 12 months together, it helps not to spend months negotiating basic rules.

Different culture, different habits

Many things that seem obvious to us as German parents are completely new to an Au Pair. Even within Europe, Germany stands out when it comes to things like recycling. Add to that the strong emphasis on punctuality, often preferring to arrive early rather than late.

Smartphone use is another common issue. Many parents feel that Au Pairs are constantly on their phones. But if we don’t clearly explain what matters to us and why, we cannot expect them to automatically know.

For some families, it’s non-negotiable that children eat what’s served. For others, the priority is simply that the children eat something healthy, regardless of what or when. Host parents also need to set priorities. You can’t enforce everything.

To make things easier, we provide our host families with a document containing house rules. We always recommend adapting it to your own household and preferences. It covers many areas of daily life, from recycling and phone usage to childcare expectations.

👉 Our tip: Take the time to adjust your house rules and go through them together with your Au Pair. This prevents misunderstandings and saves valuable time later.

Tip 5 – Lower Your Expectations

When we speak with families who are hosting an Au Pair for the first time, we always encourage them to lower their expectations.

Our motto: An Au Pair is not Mary Poppins.

The dream…

As host families, we often say we don’t expect much. We want a “big sister” or “big brother” for our children and a bit of help around the house. The Au Pair should be independent and good with children. Assertiveness and a sense of order are a plus. And of course, we understand homesickness and culture shock.

…and the reality

In reality, we sometimes wonder how an Au Pair can step over a laundry basket three times without thinking to pick it up. Is it really too much to expect them to “think ahead”? And how is it possible that even after months, they still take the wrong train or forget to top up their prepaid card?

When we are rushing through our own daily lives and fall into bed exhausted at night, it can be hard to find the patience to deal with the Au Pair’s challenges. Explaining things again and again that seem obvious to us can be draining.

It can always be worse

Au Pairs make mistakes. Some are bigger than others. As an agency, we hear many stories. As host mothers, we experience quite a lot ourselves. Looking back, some situations become funny, while others stay with us for a long time.

The more Au Pairs you host, the more stories you will have. And often, you realize later that things weren’t as bad as they seemed.

Our experience shows that out of 9 Au Pairs:

• – 1 is a perfect match

• – 3 are very difficult

• – The rest are somewhere in between, with both strengths and weaknesses.

When you put things into perspective, you also have to consider that an Au Pair earns around €2.58 per hour. Any daycare or babysitter usually costs significantly more. In cities like Munich, cleaners earn at least €15 per hour.

👉 Our tip: Before getting upset, take a step back.

Is anyone hurt?

Is there lasting damage?

Is something permanently lost or broken?

No?

Then take a deep breath.

Remember: you’re building strong nerves. Compared to this, the teenage years of your own children may feel like a walk in the park.